my philosophy.

"i was busy finding answers while you just got on with real life" you were right Badly Drawn Boy

...

if the things that happen to me are not my fault and out of my control - then how do i prevent them from happening? if everyone has their own free will and ability to choose their own actions, how do i keep their actions from affecting me? everyone says i need to learn to deal better with that which does happen which is out of my hands ... maybe this is true. but what if people took responsibility for their actions and realized how they affect others? we are all connected - just a giant network of lives - lives which push and pull on those they're connected to. But instead people live as though their life is theirs and theirs alone - no one else matters.

you matter.

breathe through.

I haven't been able to eat much the past few days - it is starting to catch up with me... Feeling weak and nauseous and have a continued lack of apetite. I wish I could erase the past - but it is not my past to erase. I want him to make it all better, but he can't - he did what he did, and I have to learn to accept that. But for now the bile in my stomach is churning with disgust and the rage inside is aching to slash out ...

and it is me who is the one to appologize.

listening to breathe through by Annie Stela.

remarkable.

just vent.

I wasn't aware until recently that the desire to be included is unnatural... I get the explanation "It was a guy thing" all the time - but was it really? I have a hard time believing that just because boys are out with other boys they can't handle having a girl around - are they ashamed of me? Will I hinder their ability to get drunk or meet other girls or have a good time? I highly doubt it. If every night is "guy's night", then where is my night? And then the only way you find out about it is by overhearing them tell someone else the story or becaue they talk about it on facebook ... not because they tell you anything when they come to your house after getting dropped off at home... BOYS! But "boys will be boys" and I am supposed to accept that. Hard to accept that boys are going to be retarded for the rest of my life and will never learn to consider anyone else, especially a girl. I am just not quite sure why I need to be punished because I was born without a penis. They say "go out with the girls" ... but girls don't like girls. Girls like to sit around and talk shit about other girls, as the girls in my studio are currently doing. They consider themselves friends with each other - but then when one of them is gone, they discuss their every fault as if they have none of their own. And these are the same girls with which I am upset about the fact that I don't get included. What is wrong wtih me?!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I sit in this damn corner staring at my computer every day and rarely does anyone in this room notice me. I listen to the stories about what everyone did the past weekend - stories about events which I was never notified about - which is fine, I'm not saying that these people who don't really know me and don't care to should invite me to whatever it is they do - but some of them were my friends, and even they have never taken the time to do anything but fuck my exboyfriend ... And the ones who still are my friends deny me the opportunity to go out with them because it's "just the guys" - I guess that explains why Ashley and Katie are in all of their facebook pictures - because it was just the guys...

And yet, when it is all said and done, to everyone I am the crazy one with the anger problem ... no one realizes how their actions/words can affect someone else. Life is all about yourself - take what you can from those around you and call it good.

No - I'm not actually that sinical... I'm sure people mean well and truly care about one another - they just have an interesting way of showing it... and they don't care for me...

So today I learned

it is my fault that I feel left out.

Just because you tell me not to come to the bar doesn't mean I am left out.

i am no more important than the next guy,

even if I consider you one of my closest friends and would do anything for you.

to let it go -

it solves everything ... don't tell anyone how you feel about it because

you are wrong -

just forget it and

move on -

they aren't worth your time...

Don't call me bitter - just pissed.

it is.

Today my head hurts and I feel like ass. My project is lame and Talbott thinks I am a slacker, probably because I have no motivation to work on this.
I am "in love" with a boy who I can't have emotionally and have a crush on one of his close friends ... a girl who I used to be friends with who I am not longer friends with due to certain circumstances always has something in her aim profile along the lines of "let it go" - not sure if it is about me or if I am just paranoid ... it's quite a life, I tell ya...

Back to my trusses ...

discover me.

Currently talking to a friend about the purpose of this blog ... Why not simply have a personal journal which no one reads and no one can become concerned about? I suppose I am sick of walking around "faking it" - I mean - by no means am I fake. But no one knows what I think about, what I feel, who I am, really. People only know what you tell them ... or what they perceive. I don't tell many people very much, for fear of what they will think of me, if they will still accept me or talk to me or spend time with me...

So let's start with this ... Yes, I have a hard time forgetting ... I react poorly ... I do things when I'm angry/sad that I would never do when I'm completely conscience of myself. I love all the wrong people and hide from those who care about me. I blame my problems on everything else because I'm too afriad of admitting I'm not perfect. I cannot fail. I can't let myself down ... I can't let you down. It's too painful. Instead, I let you let me down ("You" being subjective ...) And yet when it's all said and done, I blame myself for the shitty things people do to me.