today
People used to think i was crazy. Some still do.
I used to be afraid they were right.
I have spent the past four years learning, freaking out, crying, screaming ... in the "end," I can say I have spent the past four years discovering myself.
We learn more about ourselves every day, every new situation, every new reaction, every new dream, every new fear... every time we change.
I have reacted in ways "normal" people don't. I have been told this. I know it. Even when in the reaction process - I know it isn't status quo. It's the typical good-girl-gone-bad hollywood story. Good-girl, through a series of events, evolves into someone she doesn't know. Once there - how do you get back?
Unfortunately I cannot find the exact quote from a fabulous song ... however, it states something like "if you push me, I will fall".
Someone can only take so many hits before they go down. Though the hits may not be from the same person, it effects him/her all the same.
Someone wronged me. That was always my justification. He/She/They did that. So I do this. It was always their fault. Not mine.
I cried. Why did they hate me? I was a good person. I couldn't understand why no one could see that. I didn't always have the most in common with people, but I didn't understand how that could separate me from the rest of the world so greatly. I blamed everyone. And they couldn't see that it was their fault.
At the same time I was wondering what was wrong with me, what the source was of all the anger and hatred and depression Was it everything they did/said to me? Or did it always exist inside of me, and their influence was merely a catalyst in its evolution and explosion?
What brings me to actually talk about this now?
I see myself in a friend. And it deathly terrifies me. I never want to see anyone (whether or not I like them) feel how I felt. Turn into what I turned into. But I can't do anything about it. How do you tell someone you think they are going crazy and that in a few years they are going to realize it ... too late to re-experience the "best 4 years" of their life.
By no means do I think I'm perfect. I mean, I'm obsessive compulsive and a perfectionist. And rediculously hard on myself. And not perfect. And it kills me.
So maybe I'm not the best to shed light and bring my friend back to reality. But I have learned a few things through my experiences, regardless of whether or not I have fully come to terms and dealt with life's tomatoes. (I hate tomatoes.)
I used to be afraid they were right.
I have spent the past four years learning, freaking out, crying, screaming ... in the "end," I can say I have spent the past four years discovering myself.
We learn more about ourselves every day, every new situation, every new reaction, every new dream, every new fear... every time we change.
I have reacted in ways "normal" people don't. I have been told this. I know it. Even when in the reaction process - I know it isn't status quo. It's the typical good-girl-gone-bad hollywood story. Good-girl, through a series of events, evolves into someone she doesn't know. Once there - how do you get back?
Unfortunately I cannot find the exact quote from a fabulous song ... however, it states something like "if you push me, I will fall".
Someone can only take so many hits before they go down. Though the hits may not be from the same person, it effects him/her all the same.
Someone wronged me. That was always my justification. He/She/They did that. So I do this. It was always their fault. Not mine.
I cried. Why did they hate me? I was a good person. I couldn't understand why no one could see that. I didn't always have the most in common with people, but I didn't understand how that could separate me from the rest of the world so greatly. I blamed everyone. And they couldn't see that it was their fault.
At the same time I was wondering what was wrong with me, what the source was of all the anger and hatred and depression Was it everything they did/said to me? Or did it always exist inside of me, and their influence was merely a catalyst in its evolution and explosion?
What brings me to actually talk about this now?
I see myself in a friend. And it deathly terrifies me. I never want to see anyone (whether or not I like them) feel how I felt. Turn into what I turned into. But I can't do anything about it. How do you tell someone you think they are going crazy and that in a few years they are going to realize it ... too late to re-experience the "best 4 years" of their life.
By no means do I think I'm perfect. I mean, I'm obsessive compulsive and a perfectionist. And rediculously hard on myself. And not perfect. And it kills me.
So maybe I'm not the best to shed light and bring my friend back to reality. But I have learned a few things through my experiences, regardless of whether or not I have fully come to terms and dealt with life's tomatoes. (I hate tomatoes.)
- I can't control how other people view me. Trying to only makes you seem controlling... and crazy.
- I can't control what other people think/do/say/feel. Again, trying to will only make you crazy ... because no one will ever follow your lead (except those losers you don't want around).
- I can't make my roommates be clean freaks. I can't expect them to want as clean a house as I.
- I can control how I view myself.
- I can control what I think/do/say/feel
- If I put more energy into things I enjoy, I don't have enough energy to be pissed anymore. In other words: I should play the piano a lot. It helps.
- PROFESSORS ARE STUPID ARROGANT PRICKS.
- Jerica loves me.
- God didn't leave me ... He's just a few steps ahead showing me the destination... It's up to me to get there.
The rest is mine.
posted by Sarah at 1:42 PM
1 Comments:
If you have learned that, then you are already way ahead of the game. Love you!
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