edited.

there are things i cannot write about.

they are either too deep or simply not meant to be read by people who may not even know that this "blog," as they call it, exists, but could, perchance, stumble across it.

how do you feel when someone makes new friends, changes, phases you out of his/her life, but you haven't changed at all?

how do you feel when your friend's new friends are not good people, but you're a good person, but you got phased out?

how does the bathroom sink get so nasty immediatley after cleaning?

how does Jerica go "ugh" so passionately?

how can people not appreciate amazing films, such as I Heart Huckabee's and Squid and the Whale?

HOW DO YOU FIND PLEASURE IN DRIVING ME CRAZY???

how do you not understand?

how am i not myself?

beyond.

i have never really lived for myself. it was always for my parents, or for god, or for my boyfriend, my best friend, my job... everyone but me. everything i did was somehow a "responsibility" of the sort to please someone else. the things i did do for myself were mostly meaningless (shaving my legs, washing my hair, brushing my teeth, etc.) or "negative" (becoming anorexic, sexual pleasures, drinking way too much soda, etc...).

now i'm an hour away from my parents, distant from god/church, single, unemployed... all of those might sound negative, but for once, i can take the time to do what i want, when i want. for me.

today i went to a movie. i saw "little miss sunshine". excellent, i must say. i laughed, i teared.

i went alone.

maybe not the biggest thing, but a small step towards living my life beyond boundaries.

one step at a time.

i used to think the rhythm was gonna get me.

lacking.

my appologies for lack of links to other people's pages.

truth is, i like to feel isolated on the world wide web of wonders.

however, i am not.

boycott Pick 'n Save.

long story.

god for.

confused on the topic of

fasting.

two of my close friends are fasting for a duration of 40 days. long time without food. crazy. they are doing it for god. awesome, way to go.

however. it is hard for me to wrap my head around this concept. i, who grew up at church, studied the bible and learned all the lessons, cannot understand why god would want his children to starve for a period of time.

logically:

if i cease to eat for a time, i would generally be labeled as anorexic. but if i say it is for god, then i am regarded on a level of holiness. is that then to say that if i slit my wrists "for god" or jump off a bridge "for god" or stop brushing my teeth "for god" i should be regarded with the same mentality?

medically:

i can tell you first hand - not eating for more than a few days can do remarkable damage to your body, not only temporarily, but also in the long term.

biblically:

while there are numerous verses on the law/tradition of fasting, i have found 2 to complete my case.

1. 1 Cor 6:19 "Or don't you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? ..."

2. Mark 2:18-19 "John's disciples and the Pharisees sometimes fasted. One day some people came to Jesus and asked, 'Why do John's disciples and the Pharisees fast, but your disciples don't fast?' Jesus replied, 'Do wedding guests fast while celebrating with the groom? Of course not. They can't fast while they are with the groom."

if our body is a temple to the Holy Spirit - is it not our duty to care for it? keep it in good health, mentally, spiritually, and physically? Jesus' disciples were not required to fast while with Him: do we not consider ourselves disciples of Christ and therefore follow this same guideline?

i would like to make it perfectly clear - in no way am i attempting to prove fasting as wrong. i simply don't believe it is always the appropriate response or course of action.

chances are you, also,

have an opinion.

dead bird.

i came into this year with a positive outlook, thinking it would be different. i have a great apartment with 3 wonderful girls, 1 of which I have been close friends with for 5ish years. i am in studio with people who are not my best friends, but with whom i generally get along. i quit my lame job, freeing up time and relieving some stress. i bought new jeans - ones that actually fit and aren't a foot longer than my legs.

but none of that seems to matter. i thought coming home to close friends would make the day seem better. but i have just as hard of a time talking to them about anything "real" as i did with the girls last year. my schedule is much different from theirs, so i do not even see them that often. and lately it seems we have very different interests, which didn't seem to be the case prior to moving in.

studio is enjoyable. the work we will be doing this year should turn out really great. but studio has always been a source of social stress for me. it is hard to fit in to a group of people who are so close to jon. even though he is not in studio, he spends a lot of time in our room. he hangs out with the guys in my studio every weekend. he works on projects for other classes with them, too... so this "great" studio has again turned into a place where i don't want to be.

quitting the city market freed up time and left some stress behind... however, not working there has separated me from the people who still work there. even though we didn't spend every night of the summer together, the city market girls were like another family. while i hated going to work because of the stupid customers and stupid owners, a group of us connected really well, and i never felt dumb telling them the truth about anything. they were there for me when no one else thought i needed a hand. we still see each other here and there, but talking to them 5 out of 7 days a week was like group therapy, in a sense.

my jeans are great.

thursday was my birthday.

8 people joined me for dinner at the knick. most of us then went to VOX for a drink after dinner. all in all, it was a good time. but at the end of the night, after a 2 hour fight with the asshole, i left - went home alone - feeling the worst i have in a long while.

i come to school today only to find out that this amuses people.

my pain is entertainment. woot.

tonight i have been planning on going to the Mosaic to see Scott Malcolm perform. We talked a while ago, and he agreed to let me play a few songs tonight during one of his breaks. I thought this would be a great opportunity to share my music as well as get some experience in front of an audience. maybe build up the confidence a bit.

i invited a few people who i thought would be interested in coming. both to enjoy the music and to support me.

no one is going to come with me tonight.

is it wrong that my shitty birthday and not having anyone to talk to and not having anyone to support me tonight makes me depressed? if it is, then check me in.

i like to think it's only natural.