dead bird.

i came into this year with a positive outlook, thinking it would be different. i have a great apartment with 3 wonderful girls, 1 of which I have been close friends with for 5ish years. i am in studio with people who are not my best friends, but with whom i generally get along. i quit my lame job, freeing up time and relieving some stress. i bought new jeans - ones that actually fit and aren't a foot longer than my legs.

but none of that seems to matter. i thought coming home to close friends would make the day seem better. but i have just as hard of a time talking to them about anything "real" as i did with the girls last year. my schedule is much different from theirs, so i do not even see them that often. and lately it seems we have very different interests, which didn't seem to be the case prior to moving in.

studio is enjoyable. the work we will be doing this year should turn out really great. but studio has always been a source of social stress for me. it is hard to fit in to a group of people who are so close to jon. even though he is not in studio, he spends a lot of time in our room. he hangs out with the guys in my studio every weekend. he works on projects for other classes with them, too... so this "great" studio has again turned into a place where i don't want to be.

quitting the city market freed up time and left some stress behind... however, not working there has separated me from the people who still work there. even though we didn't spend every night of the summer together, the city market girls were like another family. while i hated going to work because of the stupid customers and stupid owners, a group of us connected really well, and i never felt dumb telling them the truth about anything. they were there for me when no one else thought i needed a hand. we still see each other here and there, but talking to them 5 out of 7 days a week was like group therapy, in a sense.

my jeans are great.

thursday was my birthday.

8 people joined me for dinner at the knick. most of us then went to VOX for a drink after dinner. all in all, it was a good time. but at the end of the night, after a 2 hour fight with the asshole, i left - went home alone - feeling the worst i have in a long while.

i come to school today only to find out that this amuses people.

my pain is entertainment. woot.

tonight i have been planning on going to the Mosaic to see Scott Malcolm perform. We talked a while ago, and he agreed to let me play a few songs tonight during one of his breaks. I thought this would be a great opportunity to share my music as well as get some experience in front of an audience. maybe build up the confidence a bit.

i invited a few people who i thought would be interested in coming. both to enjoy the music and to support me.

no one is going to come with me tonight.

is it wrong that my shitty birthday and not having anyone to talk to and not having anyone to support me tonight makes me depressed? if it is, then check me in.

i like to think it's only natural.