bartender.

I graduated high school in 2003 and thought "Yes, on to something bigger and better" ... only to find the same BS in college...

I graduated college 3 months ago (wow!) and got a job in a new city and thought "Yes, on to something bigger and better" ...

I have been here for 10-ish weeks, and have been at my new job for 2 months. The first month was great. Everyone at work was super friendly and inclusive, they seemed like people I could really enjoy. I learned a lot in the first few weeks of work, which is expected. It was great.

Now ... I feel forgotten. My new work "friends" have gotten over the excitement of the new girl who sits outside Tech Services and has returned to their taken-for-granted routine. And the learning at work has come to a hault as I sit around waiting for things to do...

I don't want to be the girl who whines. It's not all bad. I mean, I graduated from college, one step closer to my childhood dream. I got a job, in my field... one more step. I live alone, which is pretty awesome, considering all the crap roommates I've been through in the past 4 years (with a few good sprinkled in). Although I feel poor, I'm really not. I do not live in a cardboard box. I have a few great friends who I've been able to keep in contact with over the years, and parents who would do anything for me.

So now that you can see that I'm not a whiney teenager, I can continue to discuss my inner most thoughts and feelings, which tend to side on the negative end of things. My appologies.


I borrowed a drill from a guy at work in order to hang some shelves. I thought if I finally finished moving in and made my apartment feel more permanent and less like a stop along the way, I would feel more at home. Unfortunately, I forgot that I never had to do anything by myself in the past because I had my dad or friends around to help out. So my shelves lay in the middle of my living room floor, the drill still in it's black and decker case, and all my shit that will one day reside on the shelf still on my chairless dining room table.

No, not a big deal. However, it's one more little thing to remind me that I'm a stranger in this big small town.

The worst part of everything is that I already messed things up with the one person I think I could really be close with.

Go me.

or bust.

Turns out no matter where you run, your life is still yours.

Unfortunately, I was hoping for someone elses.

young love.

I can't recall being super obnoxious in public when I was in high school. I was always the one telling (you-know-who) to shut up and calm down. (Unless I was pissed and making a scene, of course...). But I'm sure I was lame and annoying, and older people probably stood behind me and mocked me, etc. etc.

The Shins concert last night was awesome ... except for all the babies standing around me. Ugly chick and her boyfriend made out through the entire concert. And bumped into me while doing it. I feel molested.

Ben Folds @ Summerfest '05 ... wasn't the greatest show ... and chick and her boyfriend were making out the whole time, rubbing up against each other like they were on some drug and thought they were naked in the basement at their parents' house ... And molesting me at the same time.

Since when are concerts about dry-humping the guy/girl you think you're going to spend the rest of your life with but is really going to break your heart in a few weeks?

There should be a rule. No fuckers at concerts. (Excuse my language)

today

People used to think i was crazy. Some still do.

I used to be afraid they were right.

I have spent the past four years learning, freaking out, crying, screaming ... in the "end," I can say I have spent the past four years discovering myself.

We learn more about ourselves every day, every new situation, every new reaction, every new dream, every new fear... every time we change.

I have reacted in ways "normal" people don't. I have been told this. I know it. Even when in the reaction process - I know it isn't status quo. It's the typical good-girl-gone-bad hollywood story. Good-girl, through a series of events, evolves into someone she doesn't know. Once there - how do you get back?

Unfortunately I cannot find the exact quote from a fabulous song ... however, it states something like "if you push me, I will fall".

Someone can only take so many hits before they go down. Though the hits may not be from the same person, it effects him/her all the same.

Someone wronged me. That was always my justification. He/She/They did that. So I do this. It was always their fault. Not mine.

I cried. Why did they hate me? I was a good person. I couldn't understand why no one could see that. I didn't always have the most in common with people, but I didn't understand how that could separate me from the rest of the world so greatly. I blamed everyone. And they couldn't see that it was their fault.

At the same time I was wondering what was wrong with me, what the source was of all the anger and hatred and depression Was it everything they did/said to me? Or did it always exist inside of me, and their influence was merely a catalyst in its evolution and explosion?

What brings me to actually talk about this now?

I see myself in a friend. And it deathly terrifies me. I never want to see anyone (whether or not I like them) feel how I felt. Turn into what I turned into. But I can't do anything about it. How do you tell someone you think they are going crazy and that in a few years they are going to realize it ... too late to re-experience the "best 4 years" of their life.

By no means do I think I'm perfect. I mean, I'm obsessive compulsive and a perfectionist. And rediculously hard on myself. And not perfect. And it kills me.

So maybe I'm not the best to shed light and bring my friend back to reality. But I have learned a few things through my experiences, regardless of whether or not I have fully come to terms and dealt with life's tomatoes. (I hate tomatoes.)

• I can't control how other people view me. Trying to only makes you seem controlling... and crazy.
• I can't control what other people think/do/say/feel. Again, trying to will only make you crazy ... because no one will ever follow your lead (except those losers you don't want around).
• I can't make my roommates be clean freaks. I can't expect them to want as clean a house as I.
• I can control how I view myself.
• I can control what I think/do/say/feel
• If I put more energy into things I enjoy, I don't have enough energy to be pissed anymore. In other words: I should play the piano a lot. It helps.
• PROFESSORS ARE STUPID ARROGANT PRICKS.
• Jerica loves me.
• God didn't leave me ... He's just a few steps ahead showing me the destination... It's up to me to get there.

The rest is mine.

stinky feet.

Group projects.

Nothing but disaster.

I am currently involved in at least 4 group projects in 3 of my 4 classes at UWM. They have all caused nothing but trouble. Stress. Anger. Hair-ripping-out. Way too much venting for one person.

Especially my studio. We are building a group model. We have divided the model into sections and everyone is responsible for a portion of something. Except I have been put in ANOTHER group and assigned to work on a part with JB - the FRENCH kid who doesn't understand english, doesn't have a phone number so I can NOT get ahold of him, and works in his dorm room instead of in studio.

Am I expected to sit in my studio all day and night until he shows up so we can collaborate?

No. I worked on what I could and now expect him to do the rest.

But, of course, the ARROGANT, JUDGEMENTAL, IGNORANT ASSHOLES blame me. ME.

ALWAYS ME.

We are also working a booklet of all of our work throughout the semester thus far.

Again, in pairs.

My partner is awesome. Nick. But he was gone this weekend, so I finished all the graphics of our portion of the booklet, and he is working out the text (there is minimal text, which is technically being provided from each individual in the group).

I finished the graphics at 3pm yesturday. The booklet has to be completed this evening. I think I did my part.

Every student also needs to write 100 words about each of the 4 excercises we've worked on. I was the first to write and distribute (via email) these 400 words.

Just now I get an email from Josh mother-fing Lowe (asshole #1) with my name on the list of those who still have not written these summaries.

WHAT!!!

I was the one who sent an email at 2:00 yesturday reminding everyone to do it!!!


AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

so frustrated.

so pissed.

soooooooo gonna kill something. like the mouse in my kitchen.

can i please say fuck now?

390

I am going to vent.

I hate teachers who think they are something worth being on a pedestal.

I am missing a class for NY when we will be giving verbal presentations. On Friday she informed me and Billy that we will have to give the presentations a week early (this Friday) to make up for it and that she would email us what we needed to know. Come yesturday - still no email. Considering the next three days (well, today thru Thursday) will be crazy busy, I emailed her (yesturday) asking for the info needed to do prepare my speech. The email was as follows:

Hey,
I would like to start thinking about and planning my verbalpresentation for Friday, so if you could send me information about it that would be great.
Thank you,
Sarah

Mind you, I was frustrated with the fact that I wasn't able to do it over the weekend, as would make the most sense.

She emailed me back:

Dear Sarah,

I sent it out this morning. If you have any questions plese feel free to ask.

Best,

Kim

PS. As a professional suggestion, I do have a name and would like to be addressed by it.

WOW.

I think that "P.S." is super snotty! Considering she didn't take the time to do what she had told Billy and I that she would AND that every email she has sent so far this year has had some spelling error (including the one sent this morning of the "presentation brief"). Are spelling errors professional?

I THINK NOT!

GAH!

tortuga.

i'm sure i shouldn't say this.

but i feel like things are pointless, i don't think i can be my best or do my best, without him in my life.

whoever he is.

track 3.

architecture 390: not a fun class.

we have been talking a lot about goals and (as if we are still in Dixon's PRIDE program) are supposed to set measurable goals for the purpose of investigating our design process ... blah blah blah

however, all this "goals" discussing has inspired me to apply them to not only my career but, in general, my life.

setting these goals will result in lists, ie: places to go, things to do/accomplish; they will be in random order other than priority-based. somewhat like those "do this before you're 30" type lists. however, i don't want to limit myself to 30. life does not end at 30 (or at least not expectedly in most cases).

here starts my life.

Things to Do
1. Write a book.
2. Make a CD. of myself. not a mix CD. i have done that.
3. Get over Jon.
4. Graduate College.
5. Go to grad school.
6. Document the world via photography. for this, I will need to go to lots of places. that is another list.
7. Get married. Preferably on a boat. to someone I love. who is not ugly.
8. Be in a band. with Kim.
9. Design a kick-ass building. that gets built. i have already designed cool things. but they aren't built.
10. Have a penis for a day.
11. Retract #10. it might make Jerica uncomfortable.

Places to Go
1. England
2. Japan
3. Brazil
4. Africa. specifically that place I can't name at the moment.
5. Austrailia
6. Spain
7. France
8. Scotland
9. Ireland
10. Italy

United States
1. New York (soon to be accomplished)
2. Washington DC
3. Colorado
4. Seatle

People to Meet
1. My husband. hahaha.
2. Eliot Smith. but he is dead.
3. People who I have not yet met who will fulfill an absense in my life. or who will just rock my socks off.
4. Loralee's husband. Tyler.

People to See Again
1. Loralee

to be continued...