latin for true

bartender.

2007-08-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

I graduated high school in 2003 and thought "Yes, on to something bigger and better" ... only to find the same BS in college...

I graduated college 3 months ago (wow!) and got a job in a new city and thought "Yes, on to something bigger and better" ...

I have been here for 10-ish weeks, and have been at my new job for 2 months. The first month was great. Everyone at work was super friendly and inclusive, they seemed like people I could really enjoy. I learned a lot in the first few weeks of work, which is expected. It was great.

Now ... I feel forgotten. My new work "friends" have gotten over the excitement of the new girl who sits outside Tech Services and has returned to their taken-for-granted routine. And the learning at work has come to a hault as I sit around waiting for things to do...

I don't want to be the girl who whines. It's not all bad. I mean, I graduated from college, one step closer to my childhood dream. I got a job, in my field... one more step. I live alone, which is pretty awesome, considering all the crap roommates I've been through in the past 4 years (with a few good sprinkled in). Although I feel poor, I'm really not. I do not live in a cardboard box. I have a few great friends who I've been able to keep in contact with over the years, and parents who would do anything for me.

So now that you can see that I'm not a whiney teenager, I can continue to discuss my inner most thoughts and feelings, which tend to side on the negative end of things. My appologies.

I borrowed a drill from a guy at work in order to hang some shelves. I thought if I finally finished moving in and made my apartment feel more permanent and less like a stop along the way, I would feel more at home. Unfortunately, I forgot that I never had to do anything by myself in the past because I had my dad or friends around to help out. So my shelves lay in the middle of my living room floor, the drill still in it's black and decker case, and all my shit that will one day reside on the shelf still on my chairless dining room table.

No, not a big deal. However, it's one more little thing to remind me that I'm a stranger in this big small town.

The worst part of everything is that I already messed things up with the one person I think I could really be close with.

Go me.

or bust.

2007-08-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

Turns out no matter where you run, your life is still yours.

Unfortunately, I was hoping for someone elses.

young love.

2007-02-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

I can't recall being super obnoxious in public when I was in high school. I was always the one telling (you-know-who) to shut up and calm down. (Unless I was pissed and making a scene, of course...). But I'm sure I was lame and annoying, and older people probably stood behind me and mocked me, etc. etc.

The Shins concert last night was awesome ... except for all the babies standing around me. Ugly chick and her boyfriend made out through the entire concert. And bumped into me while doing it. I feel molested.

Ben Folds @ Summerfest '05 ... wasn't the greatest show ... and chick and her boyfriend were making out the whole time, rubbing up against each other like they were on some drug and thought they were naked in the basement at their parents' house ... And molesting me at the same time.

Since when are concerts about dry-humping the guy/girl you think you're going to spend the rest of your life with but is really going to break your heart in a few weeks?

There should be a rule. No fuckers at concerts. (Excuse my language)

today

2006-12-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

People used to think i was crazy. Some still do.

I used to be afraid they were right.

I have spent the past four years learning, freaking out, crying, screaming ... in the "end," I can say I have spent the past four years discovering myself.

We learn more about ourselves every day, every new situation, every new reaction, every new dream, every new fear... every time we change.

I have reacted in ways "normal" people don't. I have been told this. I know it. Even when in the reaction process - I know it isn't status quo. It's the typical good-girl-gone-bad hollywood story. Good-girl, through a series of events, evolves into someone she doesn't know. Once there - how do you get back?

Unfortunately I cannot find the exact quote from a fabulous song ... however, it states something like "if you push me, I will fall".

Someone can only take so many hits before they go down. Though the hits may not be from the same person, it effects him/her all the same.

Someone wronged me. That was always my justification. He/She/They did that. So I do this. It was always their fault. Not mine.

I cried. Why did they hate me? I was a good person. I couldn't understand why no one could see that. I didn't always have the most in common with people, but I didn't understand how that could separate me from the rest of the world so greatly. I blamed everyone. And they couldn't see that it was their fault.

At the same time I was wondering what was wrong with me, what the source was of all the anger and hatred and depression Was it everything they did/said to me? Or did it always exist inside of me, and their influence was merely a catalyst in its evolution and explosion?

What brings me to actually talk about this now?

I see myself in a friend. And it deathly terrifies me. I never want to see anyone (whether or not I like them) feel how I felt. Turn into what I turned into. But I can't do anything about it. How do you tell someone you think they are going crazy and that in a few years they are going to realize it ... too late to re-experience the "best 4 years" of their life.

By no means do I think I'm perfect. I mean, I'm obsessive compulsive and a perfectionist. And rediculously hard on myself. And not perfect. And it kills me.

So maybe I'm not the best to shed light and bring my friend back to reality. But I have learned a few things through my experiences, regardless of whether or not I have fully come to terms and dealt with life's tomatoes. (I hate tomatoes.)

I can't control how other people view me. Trying to only makes you seem controlling... and crazy.
I can't control what other people think/do/say/feel. Again, trying to will only make you crazy ... because no one will ever follow your lead (except those losers you don't want around).
I can't make my roommates be clean freaks. I can't expect them to want as clean a house as I.
I can control how I view myself.
I can control what I think/do/say/feel
If I put more energy into things I enjoy, I don't have enough energy to be pissed anymore. In other words: I should play the piano a lot. It helps.
PROFESSORS ARE STUPID ARROGANT PRICKS.
Jerica loves me.
God didn't leave me ... He's just a few steps ahead showing me the destination... It's up to me to get there.

The rest is mine.

stinky feet.

2006-10-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

Group projects.

Nothing but disaster.

I am currently involved in at least 4 group projects in 3 of my 4 classes at UWM. They have all caused nothing but trouble. Stress. Anger. Hair-ripping-out. Way too much venting for one person.

Especially my studio. We are building a group model. We have divided the model into sections and everyone is responsible for a portion of something. Except I have been put in ANOTHER group and assigned to work on a part with JB - the FRENCH kid who doesn't understand english, doesn't have a phone number so I can NOT get ahold of him, and works in his dorm room instead of in studio.

Am I expected to sit in my studio all day and night until he shows up so we can collaborate?

No. I worked on what I could and now expect him to do the rest.

But, of course, the ARROGANT, JUDGEMENTAL, IGNORANT ASSHOLES blame me. ME.

ALWAYS ME.

We are also working a booklet of all of our work throughout the semester thus far.

Again, in pairs.

My partner is awesome. Nick. But he was gone this weekend, so I finished all the graphics of our portion of the booklet, and he is working out the text (there is minimal text, which is technically being provided from each individual in the group).

I finished the graphics at 3pm yesturday. The booklet has to be completed this evening. I think I did my part.

Every student also needs to write 100 words about each of the 4 excercises we've worked on. I was the first to write and distribute (via email) these 400 words.

Just now I get an email from Josh mother-fing Lowe (asshole #1) with my name on the list of those who still have not written these summaries.

WHAT!!!

I was the one who sent an email at 2:00 yesturday reminding everyone to do it!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

so frustrated.

so pissed.

soooooooo gonna kill something. like the mouse in my kitchen.

can i please say fuck now?

390

2006-10-10T14:07:00.000-07:00

I am going to vent.

I hate teachers who think they are something worth being on a pedestal.

I am missing a class for NY when we will be giving verbal presentations. On Friday she informed me and Billy that we will have to give the presentations a week early (this Friday) to make up for it and that she would email us what we needed to know. Come yesturday - still no email. Considering the next three days (well, today thru Thursday) will be crazy busy, I emailed her (yesturday) asking for the info needed to do prepare my speech. The email was as follows:

Hey,
I would like to start thinking about and planning my verbalpresentation for Friday, so if you could send me information about it that would be great.
Thank you,
Sarah

Mind you, I was frustrated with the fact that I wasn't able to do it over the weekend, as would make the most sense.

She emailed me back:

Dear Sarah,

I sent it out this morning. If you have any questions plese feel free to ask.

Best,

Kim

PS. As a professional suggestion, I do have a name and would like to be addressed by it.

WOW.

I think that "P.S." is super snotty! Considering she didn't take the time to do what she had told Billy and I that she would AND that every email she has sent so far this year has had some spelling error (including the one sent this morning of the "presentation brief"). Are spelling errors professional?

I THINK NOT!

GAH!

tortuga.

2006-10-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

i'm sure i shouldn't say this.

but i feel like things are pointless, i don't think i can be my best or do my best, without him in my life.

whoever he is.

track 3.

2006-10-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

architecture 390: not a fun class.

we have been talking a lot about goals and (as if we are still in Dixon's PRIDE program) are supposed to set measurable goals for the purpose of investigating our design process ... blah blah blah

however, all this "goals" discussing has inspired me to apply them to not only my career but, in general, my life.

setting these goals will result in lists, ie: places to go, things to do/accomplish; they will be in random order other than priority-based. somewhat like those "do this before you're 30" type lists. however, i don't want to limit myself to 30. life does not end at 30 (or at least not expectedly in most cases).

here starts my life.

Things to Do
1. Write a book.
2. Make a CD. of myself. not a mix CD. i have done that.
3. Get over Jon.
4. Graduate College.
5. Go to grad school.
6. Document the world via photography. for this, I will need to go to lots of places. that is another list.
7. Get married. Preferably on a boat. to someone I love. who is not ugly.
8. Be in a band. with Kim.
9. Design a kick-ass building. that gets built. i have already designed cool things. but they aren't built.
10. Have a penis for a day.
11. Retract #10. it might make Jerica uncomfortable.

Places to Go
1. England
2. Japan
3. Brazil
4. Africa. specifically that place I can't name at the moment.
5. Austrailia
6. Spain
7. France
8. Scotland
9. Ireland
10. Italy

United States
1. New York (soon to be accomplished)
2. Washington DC
3. Colorado
4. Seatle

People to Meet
1. My husband. hahaha.
2. Eliot Smith. but he is dead.
3. People who I have not yet met who will fulfill an absense in my life. or who will just rock my socks off.
4. Loralee's husband. Tyler.

People to See Again
1. Loralee

to be continued...

punta.

2006-10-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

when i get angry i say/do things that are maybe not the most appropriate. i am a bitch. i'd like to say "at least i know it" but i don't know how much credit that gives me. maybe it's better not to know it - then i wouldn't be obligated to be nicer.

i also like to swear.

and my clothes still smell like bar from friday night.

higgidy higgidy.

bushed.

2006-10-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

at this point, if you're still in favor of the war, you're an Fing idiot!

ha, beat you to it.

edited.

2006-09-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

there are things i cannot write about.

they are either too deep or simply not meant to be read by people who may not even know that this "blog," as they call it, exists, but could, perchance, stumble across it.

how do you feel when someone makes new friends, changes, phases you out of his/her life, but you haven't changed at all?

how do you feel when your friend's new friends are not good people, but you're a good person, but you got phased out?

how does the bathroom sink get so nasty immediatley after cleaning?

how does Jerica go "ugh" so passionately?

how can people not appreciate amazing films, such as I Heart Huckabee's and Squid and the Whale?

HOW DO YOU FIND PLEASURE IN DRIVING ME CRAZY???

how do you not understand?

how am i not myself?

beyond.

2006-09-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

i have never really lived for myself. it was always for my parents, or for god, or for my boyfriend, my best friend, my job... everyone but me. everything i did was somehow a "responsibility" of the sort to please someone else. the things i did do for myself were mostly meaningless (shaving my legs, washing my hair, brushing my teeth, etc.) or "negative" (becoming anorexic, sexual pleasures, drinking way too much soda, etc...).

now i'm an hour away from my parents, distant from god/church, single, unemployed... all of those might sound negative, but for once, i can take the time to do what i want, when i want. for me.

today i went to a movie. i saw "little miss sunshine". excellent, i must say. i laughed, i teared.

i went alone.

maybe not the biggest thing, but a small step towards living my life beyond boundaries.

one step at a time.

i used to think the rhythm was gonna get me.

lacking.

2006-09-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

my appologies for lack of links to other people's pages.

truth is, i like to feel isolated on the world wide web of wonders.

however, i am not.

boycott Pick 'n Save.

long story.

god for.

2006-09-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

confused on the topic of

fasting.

two of my close friends are fasting for a duration of 40 days. long time without food. crazy. they are doing it for god. awesome, way to go.

however. it is hard for me to wrap my head around this concept. i, who grew up at church, studied the bible and learned all the lessons, cannot understand why god would want his children to starve for a period of time.

logically:

if i cease to eat for a time, i would generally be labeled as anorexic. but if i say it is for god, then i am regarded on a level of holiness. is that then to say that if i slit my wrists "for god" or jump off a bridge "for god" or stop brushing my teeth "for god" i should be regarded with the same mentality?

medically:

i can tell you first hand - not eating for more than a few days can do remarkable damage to your body, not only temporarily, but also in the long term.

biblically:

while there are numerous verses on the law/tradition of fasting, i have found 2 to complete my case.

1. 1 Cor 6:19 "Or don't you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? ..."

2. Mark 2:18-19 "John's disciples and the Pharisees sometimes fasted. One day some people came to Jesus and asked, 'Why do John's disciples and the Pharisees fast, but your disciples don't fast?' Jesus replied, 'Do wedding guests fast while celebrating with the groom? Of course not. They can't fast while they are with the groom."

if our body is a temple to the Holy Spirit - is it not our duty to care for it? keep it in good health, mentally, spiritually, and physically? Jesus' disciples were not required to fast while with Him: do we not consider ourselves disciples of Christ and therefore follow this same guideline?

i would like to make it perfectly clear - in no way am i attempting to prove fasting as wrong. i simply don't believe it is always the appropriate response or course of action.

chances are you, also,

have an opinion.

dead bird.

2006-09-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

i came into this year with a positive outlook, thinking it would be different. i have a great apartment with 3 wonderful girls, 1 of which I have been close friends with for 5ish years. i am in studio with people who are not my best friends, but with whom i generally get along. i quit my lame job, freeing up time and relieving some stress. i bought new jeans - ones that actually fit and aren't a foot longer than my legs.

but none of that seems to matter. i thought coming home to close friends would make the day seem better. but i have just as hard of a time talking to them about anything "real" as i did with the girls last year. my schedule is much different from theirs, so i do not even see them that often. and lately it seems we have very different interests, which didn't seem to be the case prior to moving in.

studio is enjoyable. the work we will be doing this year should turn out really great. but studio has always been a source of social stress for me. it is hard to fit in to a group of people who are so close to jon. even though he is not in studio, he spends a lot of time in our room. he hangs out with the guys in my studio every weekend. he works on projects for other classes with them, too... so this "great" studio has again turned into a place where i don't want to be.

quitting the city market freed up time and left some stress behind... however, not working there has separated me from the people who still work there. even though we didn't spend every night of the summer together, the city market girls were like another family. while i hated going to work because of the stupid customers and stupid owners, a group of us connected really well, and i never felt dumb telling them the truth about anything. they were there for me when no one else thought i needed a hand. we still see each other here and there, but talking to them 5 out of 7 days a week was like group therapy, in a sense.

my jeans are great.

thursday was my birthday.

8 people joined me for dinner at the knick. most of us then went to VOX for a drink after dinner. all in all, it was a good time. but at the end of the night, after a 2 hour fight with the asshole, i left - went home alone - feeling the worst i have in a long while.

i come to school today only to find out that this amuses people.

my pain is entertainment. woot.

tonight i have been planning on going to the Mosaic to see Scott Malcolm perform. We talked a while ago, and he agreed to let me play a few songs tonight during one of his breaks. I thought this would be a great opportunity to share my music as well as get some experience in front of an audience. maybe build up the confidence a bit.

i invited a few people who i thought would be interested in coming. both to enjoy the music and to support me.

no one is going to come with me tonight.

is it wrong that my shitty birthday and not having anyone to talk to and not having anyone to support me tonight makes me depressed? if it is, then check me in.

i like to think it's only natural.

boycott.

2006-08-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

walgreens made me blind.

then raped me.

So Jer is sick. I am sick. Go to Walgreens to get SUDAFED (not alchohol or tobacco or pot or cocaine or X or acid or __________) and to my surprise - YOU CANT DO THAT ANYMORE! So I have this horrible headache and my "local drugstore" (whatever happened to mom and pop anyway?) won't allow it to subside - instead, they feel the need to worsen it.

So I go to the drug isle (drug as in medication, legal, not the above mentioned) in search of some sort of sudafed or equivalent to take away my sinus pain which I have been experiencing since I was ... 12 ... and have learned sudafed to fix ... and in place of the boxes which were hanging there quite possibly last week there are now little pieces of cardboard with a photo of the box on it which one must take to the pharmacy counter to purchase said drug.

Upon arrival at the evil pharmaceudical counter, I am asked for my PHOTO ID (?!what?!), which I did NOT bring with me, having been under the impression that my MONEY was all the corporate jerks needed in order for me to have a pleasant night sleep. Jer, also, simply brought money, therefore she could not purchase the apparantly illegal? drugs for me.

this, is where possible swear words escaped my tongue... apologies, Jer.

So walked home we did.
Jerica with stomache ache.
Sarah with head ache.
and frustration.
but no cure.

I then became blind ... because my eyes shut from pain, which I could not control, and became blinded.

Then a large man took me into the dark alley and raped me.

Girl raped by Walgreen's retardation.

That is what the newspapers read.

Corprate America = my best friend.

Do I look like a 12-year-old acedamediphine (sp) sniffing drug abuser?
Possibly a 12 yr old.

But not the latter.

Message:

boycott walgreens.

in love question mark.

2006-07-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

(please read the following with a British accent)

Have you ever been in love, or so you thought, but when you kissed the one with whom you thought you were in love, you didn't feel as much as you used to, or had expected yourself to, and wondered if you truly were still, or ever, in love with this person? But you figured the butterflies simply faded over time, after hearing "I don't love you; I never will" many times, or it is possible that you're knowledge of the circumstance has tainted your ability to feel quite the same as you might have otherwise. What a quandry, you think. But you're smart. You continue to persue this person and hang around ...

too soon.

2006-07-06T19:54:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time. it's not that i have not been thinking, or mentally configuring blog entries, i have simply been too busy. last summer school class today - i will be officially done saturday after i turn in my final english paper. glad. a lot going on. a lot to think about. a lot to blog about. no time. maybe later. i still am struggling to find the time to create my masterpeice of a novel. novel of a masterpeice. balls! off work monday and tuesday - hope to spend time in the sun, and maybe share some of that sun with you accross the rays of internet.

maybe.

drunk stroll.

2006-05-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

As I was walking across the bridge over Maryland from the Union to the "Science Zone", I couldn't help but laugh while watching the tiny Asian lady in front of me attempt to casually guide her child in her tiny red stroller down the hill... one-handedly. As the stroller lost its track and headed sideways directly for the hand rail, the mother quickly jumped to the other side and, still only holding the stroller with one hand, attempted to steer it back in its proper path. However, the stroller was not having this, and rebuttled by heading straight for the handrail on the other side of the hill. After she eventually got the stroller straightened out, it began to soar down the steepness and she ran after it, and finally put her other hand on the empty handle.

Made my day.

G350

2006-05-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

Jo.

2006-05-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

Jo.

this

one's for you.

lots of

space.

hope your brain can

handle it.

yup.

Berry Gatorade Rain

AWESOME!

try some today.

on sale at Osco this week

Buy one get one free?

Can't remember.

project due tomorrow.

how's your museum?

project due monday.

how's your community center?

project due wednesday.

how's your environment?

how does this sound:

Take Care of the Environment...

It takes care of you.

(Imagine an image of a drug that cannot exist without nature

or the animals

vegetebles

we eat

air we

breathe

sun

that gives us light

etc

...)

Jo.

Was that too

much?

Not enough

S P A C E

No More Thoughts.

Piece.

honestly.

2006-05-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

I did my MWF usual today - 302 from 9-10:15, tie up loose ends, check email, etc, head over to Bolton for Geography (my favorite) at 10:50, stop in the bathroom outside of my classroom to "relieve myself" prior to lecture... (Let me mention, this bathroom is always quite busy at this time) ... While washing my hands, a girl walks into the bathroom, goes to the paper towel dispenser and presses down on the lever 3-4 times, leaves the paper towel hanging from the "machine", and proceeds to the sink to wash her hands. During this time I have finished washing my hands, am ready to dry, and have about 2 minutes until my class starts - so what do I do? I take the paper towel hanging from the dispenser, dry my hands ... but then - i'm rudely interrupted by an "uh uh, you just took my paper towel, that's not right" ... this remark, of course, was followed by a blank stare slash "you're crazy" look on my face as I crumble the towel, throw it in the trash and walk out the door...

is she for real?

retract.

2006-04-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

Not so smart anymore.

Got an essay (geography) returned via email today with the following comments written on the bottom:

Your essay shows little effort in critical thinking and analysis of Arnold’s essay. You address only a couple of points and then only to expound on the TRUTH of Arnold’s views. Conservative students often find validation in Arnold’s essay. Perhaps you are one of these. These students have a much more difficult time. I am asking them to be critical of something that ring’s true on first reading, yet many are able to rise to the task. Here you allow Arnold to define the values and actions of the other side without question and never even ask if he might be misrepresenting these issues. A poor job.

CONSERVATIVE? ME? No, I am not the tree-hugging, dreadlock, braless hippy he probably wishes me to be, but conservative? Seriously ... this man is just an ass. Last essay he told me I was retarded, this time he tellsl me I am conservative - is this really the kind of person we want teaching the future of America?! ...

okay I am a bit dramatic, but come on ... the best part is that we get a content grade and a writing grade - both of which i got a 6/10 ... and let me tell you - I can write. Better than most lame environmentalists, at least. Possibly even better than certain ex-journalist majors I know and am fond of ... (okay, that's not true.) And the fact of the matter is that I don't believe he has given us a single hand out to date which didn't have some sort of spelling/gramatical error, and these are not small errors. I will find an example later, right now I'm too lazy.

Speaking of lazy - that is exactly what I have been lately. You know those days where getting out of bed seems like the worst possible senario? Well - those days have been much more often of late. And when I accomplish the out-of-bed task, my day is quite unambicious and unfruitful. I have been too social lately... I am going to attempt to work on my studio tasks at home for a while, avoid the horrors of AUP 482 ... and 394 ...

balls.

jean-ious.

2006-04-19T08:21:00.000-07:00

Call me an effing genius ... cuz that's what I am ...

it's been a good week for grades! 96% on my geography test (which i definitly needed to make up for those 70's i got early on in the class) and a 102% on 302 ... BALLS YEAH!

i guess that goes to show the good times come with the bad times (Jerica - those are antithetics). and wow, i am

smart.

dream on.

2006-04-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

I have wanted to be an architect since elementary school ... Now all I want is to be able to fulfill that dream, and fulfill it happily. But it seems that everyone around me just wants me to quit, because I don't fit their mold of who they think I should be, and would be happier without me around. But I don't want to give up ... so instead I persue ... miserably ...

happy.

2006-04-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

it's not a secret that i'm unhappy. everyone sees it every time they look at me. everyone sees it every time i "have an episode", or when i literally tell you. yet all you do is ignore it. why do you think it gets so bad that people take drastic measures and develope eating disorders or cut themselves or resort to drugs ... etc... maybe it's because they are sick of being ignored. I could scream how I feel loud and clear for everyone to hear and still -

nothing.

don't ignore the voice crying out to you.

my philosophy.

2006-03-30T08:45:00.000-08:00

"i was busy finding answers while you just got on with real life" you were right Badly Drawn Boy

...

if the things that happen to me are not my fault and out of my control - then how do i prevent them from happening? if everyone has their own free will and ability to choose their own actions, how do i keep their actions from affecting me? everyone says i need to learn to deal better with that which does happen which is out of my hands ... maybe this is true. but what if people took responsibility for their actions and realized how they affect others? we are all connected - just a giant network of lives - lives which push and pull on those they're connected to. But instead people live as though their life is theirs and theirs alone - no one else matters.

you matter.

breathe through.

2006-03-29T14:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to eat much the past few days - it is starting to catch up with me... Feeling weak and nauseous and have a continued lack of apetite. I wish I could erase the past - but it is not my past to erase. I want him to make it all better, but he can't - he did what he did, and I have to learn to accept that. But for now the bile in my stomach is churning with disgust and the rage inside is aching to slash out ...

and it is me who is the one to appologize.

listening to breathe through by Annie Stela.

remarkable.

just vent.

2006-03-27T22:03:00.000-08:00

I wasn't aware until recently that the desire to be included is unnatural... I get the explanation "It was a guy thing" all the time - but was it really? I have a hard time believing that just because boys are out with other boys they can't handle having a girl around - are they ashamed of me? Will I hinder their ability to get drunk or meet other girls or have a good time? I highly doubt it. If every night is "guy's night", then where is my night? And then the only way you find out about it is by overhearing them tell someone else the story or becaue they talk about it on facebook ... not because they tell you anything when they come to your house after getting dropped off at home... BOYS! But "boys will be boys" and I am supposed to accept that. Hard to accept that boys are going to be retarded for the rest of my life and will never learn to consider anyone else, especially a girl. I am just not quite sure why I need to be punished because I was born without a penis. They say "go out with the girls" ... but girls don't like girls. Girls like to sit around and talk shit about other girls, as the girls in my studio are currently doing. They consider themselves friends with each other - but then when one of them is gone, they discuss their every fault as if they have none of their own. And these are the same girls with which I am upset about the fact that I don't get included. What is wrong wtih me?!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I sit in this damn corner staring at my computer every day and rarely does anyone in this room notice me. I listen to the stories about what everyone did the past weekend - stories about events which I was never notified about - which is fine, I'm not saying that these people who don't really know me and don't care to should invite me to whatever it is they do - but some of them were my friends, and even they have never taken the time to do anything but fuck my exboyfriend ... And the ones who still are my friends deny me the opportunity to go out with them because it's "just the guys" - I guess that explains why Ashley and Katie are in all of their facebook pictures - because it was just the guys...

And yet, when it is all said and done, to everyone I am the crazy one with the anger problem ... no one realizes how their actions/words can affect someone else. Life is all about yourself - take what you can from those around you and call it good.

No - I'm not actually that sinical... I'm sure people mean well and truly care about one another - they just have an interesting way of showing it... and they don't care for me...

So today I learned

it is my fault that I feel left out.

Just because you tell me not to come to the bar doesn't mean I am left out.

i am no more important than the next guy,

even if I consider you one of my closest friends and would do anything for you.

to let it go -

it solves everything ... don't tell anyone how you feel about it because

you are wrong -

just forget it and

move on -

they aren't worth your time...

Don't call me bitter - just pissed.

it is.

2006-03-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

Today my head hurts and I feel like ass. My project is lame and Talbott thinks I am a slacker, probably because I have no motivation to work on this.
I am "in love" with a boy who I can't have emotionally and have a crush on one of his close friends ... a girl who I used to be friends with who I am not longer friends with due to certain circumstances always has something in her aim profile along the lines of "let it go" - not sure if it is about me or if I am just paranoid ... it's quite a life, I tell ya...

Back to my trusses ...

discover me.

2006-03-24T13:13:00.000-08:00

Currently talking to a friend about the purpose of this blog ... Why not simply have a personal journal which no one reads and no one can become concerned about? I suppose I am sick of walking around "faking it" - I mean - by no means am I fake. But no one knows what I think about, what I feel, who I am, really. People only know what you tell them ... or what they perceive. I don't tell many people very much, for fear of what they will think of me, if they will still accept me or talk to me or spend time with me...

So let's start with this ... Yes, I have a hard time forgetting ... I react poorly ... I do things when I'm angry/sad that I would never do when I'm completely conscience of myself. I love all the wrong people and hide from those who care about me. I blame my problems on everything else because I'm too afriad of admitting I'm not perfect. I cannot fail. I can't let myself down ... I can't let you down. It's too painful. Instead, I let you let me down ("You" being subjective ...) And yet when it's all said and done, I blame myself for the shitty things people do to me.